From’s 5 Heroic Attempts to Do Good (That Backfired Horribly)

#2. Colleges Give Out Free Punctured Condoms

The University of Brunswick and St. Thomas University had the right idea when they decided to give freshmen free condoms as part of their orientation, knowing from experience that their campuses were soon to become the pornographic version of The Hunger Games: Trap a thousand teenagers in four square blocks, and it’s fuck or be fucked.

So the schools helpfully handed out the condoms with information sheets on practicing safe sex and reminding students to always make sure it’s consensual before going at it.

The Backfire:

The organizers of the campaign stapled the information sheets to the condoms.

It’s not quite as bad as it sounds — the staples weren’t right through the middle or anything, but they did puncture the air pocket of the condom’s wrapper, rendering it unsterile and possibly scratching the prophylactic itself.

Now, we don’t want to presume anything about your sexual practices (you could be saving yourself for your inevitable marriage to a sexy AI), but hopefully the problem here is self-evident. If not, allow us to clarify: Condoms are not high-tech devices. They do not deter sperm via an army of nanobots, nor through harsh looks or mild witchcraft. They pretty much just wrap up your junk. You generally don’t want the thing that is going to function as a second skin for your genitals to be exposed to the elements like a rugged woodsman. And any hole, even a small scratch, renders them essentially useless. That seems like a pretty stupid thing for us to have to explain, but then somebody up and starts stapling them before handing them out to horny teenagers and we have to think that either this world is a lot dumber than we give it credit for or the Catholics have gone supervillain.

The schools managed to hand out 80 of the damaged rubbers before two students noticed that they were punctured. The universities sent out messages through social media warning students to throw away the free condoms, but man — out of 80 college kids, you just know somebody either got a UTI or wound up starting a family that day.