I’m Joe, your tour guide for your “Just Looking Adventure” here in Internet Dating Land. If you’ll follow me over to the elevator . . .

Our first floor is the guys who’re 18 to 25, looking for an “older” lady. I don’t remember seeing “Willing To Be Mrs. Robinson” on your profile, and I don’t recall any of you wearing your MILF Badges, so take care in picking out one of these selections as you may wind up have to teach a young dog new tricks, as we say, while not getting much back in the way of intelligent discourse.

On floor 2 is our baggage department. Plenty of selections here are attractive, witty, and have a good sense of humor, but they come equipped with two to twenty years worth of baggage. There’s always an extra shipping charge for all that baggage.

Now, we didn’t go to the basement because most of you specified no married men or drug users. We store them there, along with the heavy drinkers, guys who still live at home with mom even though they’re 40 and up, and any man who has every Archie comic book from the 50s.

(We actually have a sub-basement floor where we store approximately 100 tons of bullshit. With every acquisition from Internet Dating Land, every woman will receive, free of charge, at least 20 pounds of it. More, depending on the model of man. Yes, ma’am, it is mandated by the government and it is not returnable even if you bring back your acquisition. You get to keep the BS for free. Because of this rule, some ladies will actually decline an acquisition and just play our home game.)

Floor 3 is where we find our scratch and dent department. Perfectly usable selections, low mileage, but some imperfections. Former owners of these models have bruised an ego here, broken a heart or two there, or shattered a couple of dreams along the way. But we’ve had ’em here on this floor for a sufficient amount of time to let ’em heal and they’d look great in your home. As a personal note, this is the floor I live on when I’m not conducting tour guides.

And finally, I must ask you to maintain quiet as we head to floor 4. Here you’ll find a lot of selections in absolute perfect condition. They’ve never been married, they make tons of money, they’re very attractive, witty, intelligent . . . frankly we’re here because we don’t know why no one has picked them out yet. Some of them are so “perfect” that it scares some ladies and makes them say, “If YOU can’t find the love of your life, what chance do I have?”

Anyway, that’s our tour. I hope you enjoyed your ride. See the cashier out front and she’ll validate your parking for you. Have a great evening!