Dating Crap: Certified Kissing Instructor
Let’s talk about the first kiss.
Break out the defibrillator. The first kiss should be a heart-stopper. It should reboot your brain. For those of you running your brain on MS-DOS, you should consider an upgrade else your brain may crash.
There’s a definite technique to a first kiss. As a Master Kiss Instructor, I am licensed in all fifty states, the District of Columbia, and two counties in Alabama to teach kissing.
Let’s start out with setting the mood.
The first kiss is dessert. The date should be the main course. If the main course doesn’t satisfy, if there wasn’t a lot of laughing, a lot of joking around, a lot of flirting, some slight hand holding, a gentle hand on her back, having the doors opened for her, then that kiss isn’t gonna set the high mark on the Richter Scale. There won’t be any dessert.
All of these things show the lady that you were actually paying attention to her. If you pay attention to the lady, show her you’re interested, and be yourself, then unless you’re uglier than 40 miles of bad roads, the kiss at the door is a lock.
Many second dates are blown at this point because most men don’t know how to kiss. There’s a definite technique to a heart-stopping kiss:
Turn your head slightly. (So you don’t bump your big snoz into her eye.)
Gently press your lips up against hers.
Part your lips just slightly. You’re not trying to open it wide enough to put a watermelon down your throat. A very slight opening is just fine.
Put a hand on her arm and hold it firmly. (No Vulcan death grip.) Reach up with the back of your other hand and caress her face.
Close your damned eyes, Peeping Tom.
It should last no more than 10 seconds.
If she’s gasping for air, it’s permissible to either give her a respirator or give her a second kiss. Check to see if she’s turning blue before doing the latter.
On a second kiss, the pressure can be a little firmer. There’s always a question of the tongue. While leading studies are inconclusive, there’s a general consensus that she shouldn’t know what you had for breakfast. Parting your lips a little more, you can experiment with the “tongue flick.” A quick “Tag! You’re it!” to hers with yours should be fine. “Tongue Wrestling” should be reserved for future dates when there’s a lot less clothing involved.