If you’ve ever seen a profile with a body type marked, “Average,” but the picture looks as if the person may not fit through the St. Louis Arch, you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever had a first date cancelled at the last moment because “Aunt Tillie has contracted Flesh Eating Bacterial Syndrome and I have to scrape her boils,” you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever had a second date cancelled at the last minute because your date is getting married that Saturday you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever had someone tell you they don’t post their pictures because they’re in the Witness Protection Program (Frequent Relocation Department) you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever seen a profile picture of someone who has a current calendar in the background dated June 1985 you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever seen the same profiles on Match, Yahoo Personals, eHarmony, Facebook, POF, and Desperate in Prison, you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever stipulated that you’re looking for someone who keeps in shape, and you hear constantly from people who say, “Well, ROUND is a shape!” you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever had someone reject you because, “Anyone born under your Zodiac sign is a spawn of Satan!” you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever gone out with someone who’s just looking “to be friends” but they’ve sent 137 text messages wondering what you’re doing, why haven’t you called, and who are you with, you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever seen someone describe themselves as “athletic,” but their pictures make you think, “You’re an athlete? At what? Pie eating?” you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever read a profile that stated someone is “financially secure,” but lists occupation as “Recycling Aluminum Containers Recovered From Municipal Street Receptacles,” you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever seen a marital status as “Never Married,” but number of children “10+” you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever witnessed someone spell “you’re” as “your,” or “they’re” as “their” or “there,” or “as butt ugly as a wart hog” as “very attractive” you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever seen a profile with the headline, “FOUND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!” and wondered, “Then why are you still here?” you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever seen a profile with only pictures of the person’s motorcycles, boats, earth moving equipment, or vibrators (those last two might be the same thing if you think about it), you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever seen a profile with a single picture attached — and the picture is of a group of people — and you know that the least attractive person in that group is who the profile belongs to, you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever had a group picture on your profile and received an email from someone wanting you to introduce them to someone in the group you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever found the person of your dreams, only to find out she’s due to be released in 8 to 10 years — with good behavior — you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever had someone turn down your invitation for a date because, “You remind me of this one guy, at band camp, who I never talked to, but I just knew he was doing strange things, so just because you have the same color hair, you’re probably the same way,” you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever seen a profile which says, “I don’t have any baggage, except for that lying cheating slut who bankrupted me and boiled my bunny rabbit,” you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever seen a profile state, “non-smoker,” but their main picture features the person with a haiku pipe, you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever told a man, “tell me about yourself,” and he translates that into “send her 17 pictures of my penis!” you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever Googled the name of the lady who winked at you and the first site that comes up is, “Playboy’s Whores of the Big Ten,” you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever Googled the name of the gent who winked at you and the first site that comes up is, “FBI’s Most Wanted List,” you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever looked at a profile and thought, “Good God, if *that* person can’t find a date, what the hell am I gonna do?” you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever been told by a date, “You’re funny, you’re sexy, you’re great to be with, you’re terrific in bed, you’re the most absolutely perfect person I’ve ever met in my entire life, you’re my soul mate, you’re everything I could want — let’s just be friends,” you might be an online dater.

If you’ve ever received an email from a contact which said, “Sorry I’ve not written in three months, but there were complications with the gender change operation,” you might be an online dater.

If you can come up, without any effort, with five things on your own that talk about online dating, you might be an online dater.