Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your mother smoked a lot of pot while she was pregnant with you, didn’t she?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Ivben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How ’bout I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger; at least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa