• In 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day — thus making it the last time Congress accomplished anything. — Jay Leno
  • Thanksgiving is the best. I was so pleased last year. Things were going great, having a lot of fun, the house was full of people, everybody getting along — and then I realized that by mistake I had picked up the wrong family at the airport. — David Letterman
  • I remember one year Mom was fixing Thanksgiving dinner, the turkey is in the oven, and she’s tearing the house apart looking for her cellphone. Later, we’re all sitting down to eat and the turkey starts to ring. — David Letterman
  • It’s that’s special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones. And I’m going to start dinner by telling my parents I’m gay. It never gets old! — Jimmy Kimmel
  • The big news this week is that the U.S. finally got Iran to agree to stop making nuclear weapons. In exchange, the U.S. has freed up $8 billion of Iran’s assets. When asked how it plans to spend the money, Iran said, “We’re going to buy nuclear weapons.” — Jimmy Fallon